Boundaries for people are what boundaries are for nations. These are the lines that serve as markers of where we begin and where others start. Healthy boundaries define our space and help us feel comfortable and safe. Boundaries help us from feeling threatened or taken advantage of, which prevents us from feeling angry and resentful.
Setting effective boundaries is an important safety & health issue affecting both children and adults. What does it mean to "set boundaries?" Do you infringe on other’s boundaries? Is someone overstepping yours?
Boundaries are the rules we set for ourselves and for others, such as how close we let people get to us. Everyone's values are different, and when setting boundaries, we can be arbitrary as we want to be.
And we can change boundaries whenever we want.
Because all people are different, it is impossible for others to know what our boundaries are, which can be really irritating, and sometimes threatening. We do have general rules, called "manners", but our rules may be broad. These will vary in other cultures or in different regions of our country.
First, we must recognize and decide the boundaries we want for ourselves.
Do we want to be in bed by a certain time? Do we want to limit or increase our food intake? Do we want to spend more time outdoors? Do we want to have limits on the relationships we choose? Do we want to control our time more effectively, including activities, visiting family, being with friends, times spent at work, time watching TV, etc.?
There are many choices to make consciously to set boundaries. We each need to decide the boundaries we want and then "declare," or share or tell others what those boundaries are. We must communicate what we are willing to do, and not to do. We must communicate the expectations we have for others, as well. These expectations are up to you, but you cannot presume that others will respect your boundaries if they do not know what those boundaries are...i.e. if you do not tell them what your boundaries are.
Some ways to effectively communicate your boundaries verbally and non-verbally are:
1. Verbally: You can set these expectations verbally: you can say “no”, “stop” or “I will not talk about that”. Sadly, the words we say are only 7% of any message. 38% of a verbal message is the "tone" of your voice. Tone of voice always is more powerful than the words you say. If the words you say and your tone of voice do not match, people will always believe your tone of voice.
It's always been amazing to me that when people announce they want to go on a diet, some people immediately begin to offer them food. Instead of respecting that person's announced "I'm dieting" boundary, some may try to unconsciously "test" to see if that boundary is firm or act as if the dieting person is suddenly going to starve. Show these people that your boundary is firm. Use both verbal and non-verbal communication to let them know you mean business, or even ask them, "Why are you trying to get me to go off my diet by offering me food you know I shouldn't eat? Why don't you support me in my efforts to lose weight and be a cheerleader for me rather than undermining my efforts?" You may find the person offering the food is embarrassed to realize that's what they were doing.
I've seen that "test of a person's boundary" behavior to be especially present when someone is dieting, trying to quit smoking, or avoiding alcohol. Don't know exactly why, but it makes it even more important to be persistent in keeping your boundaries in those areas and communicating clearly what your boundaries are and that you are sticking to them!
One other area I've seen that type of "test the boundary" thinking is when a person rejects another person's physical or sexual advances. Some people choose to interpret the word "No" as not really meaning no but as an indication that the other person is "playing hard to get". That kind of thinking can be very dangerous, opens the door to lawsuits especially in the workplace or when a person is in a more powerful position, and never ends well.
Take a person's word for it when they say they are setting a boundary and respect it!
If you've decided you need to set limits (a boundary) on the amount of time you're spending with your co-workers and instead use that time for yourself or to be with your family more, then you don't need to make excuses. Simply say, "I won't be attending Tuesday Happy Hours" You can decide to explain why...or not. You can say, "I'm making a separation between my work life and my personal life." or "I've decided I want to spend more time with my family." Or say nothing. Or do nothing...just don't show up for the Happy Hour. It's your choice how to spend your time and you do not need to make excuses for your decisions and you certainly don't need to lie to pacify others.
2. Non-verbally:
Even if you get the words and tone right, 55% of any message is your facial and body expression. Non-verbal communication overpowers anything we say. Look like you mean it!
Stand tall, square your shoulders, look directly at the person you are speaking to, and project strength. Hold your hand up in a "Stop" signal. Or even turn or walk away as if ignoring even the very suggestion that you'll break your boundary.
You want to appear confident and assertive, but there's no need to be aggressive. Aggressive behavior invites an aggressive response. You can say, “please” in a determined tone of voice as you look directly at a person. Sometimes the best way to deal with intrusive people is simply to refuse to answer at all. You are not obligated to give others personal information or to discuss things you do not want to discuss. This may seem rude, but we tell our children not to talk to strangers and they do not have to obey the instructions of others who have no legitimate authority over them.
You can post a Do-Not-Disturb sign, turn off your phone, close your door, or turn off the lights. You can shake your head, develop a really good glare, put up your hand (palm turned up & out, which is the universal sign for "stop"), simply say nothing when being pressured to do a job or activity you don’t want to do, or walk away.
Start out small, learn to say no about little things. Start to say, “I won't” instead of “I can’t”. Say you’re busy or have plans; if they ask what your plans are, you’re not obligated to give them any reasons or excuses. Instead say “I will not be able to come”, “I have other things to do”. Personally, I am always busy. Sometimes I am just busy breathing. But I am always busy and choose my life and its boundaries.
They are all kinds of boundaries: personal boundaries, professional boundaries, and ethical boundaries. Many professionals agree to codes of conduct when we enter certain professions or work for employers who have company guidelines. When I worked for the federal government and has a security clearance, I was directed never to discuss confidential information with anyone who did not have a "need to know", regardless of the level of their clearance, and regardless of their status in the organization, period! It was against the law for me to remove any documents or information from that facility and if I did, I could be imprisoned.
Professionals should refuse to do things they are not trained to do. A podiatrist should not treat people for heart conditions, nor should a plumber agree to do a root canal even if he’s cheaper than your dentist! They should say “no” when asked to do things that are unsafe or illegal.
We all need ethical boundaries. Governments set laws determining what legal or illegal is in their jurisdiction, and we become angry and distrustful of legislators when they don’t honor those laws. We do not take the laws of the United States with us when we visit other nations. We must know and adhere to the laws of the nation we are visiting.
We become distrustful if we see people who violate the boundaries of a profession. If a police officer handles a violative situation ineffectively, if a CEO steals from his clients, if a politician lies about his donors or activities, if a minister breaks a moral code we expect from them, if a teacher steps across the line of professional standards. There are expectations of boundaries for anyone in a leadership role that we consider to be "the norm" and when those boundaries are crossed, we feel betrayal and disrespect for those individuals, even though 99% of the people in that profession adhere to the profession's expectation.
Things are either right or they are wrong. We must decide what is right for us, and what we are not willing to do because we believe it is wrong. Our belief system is basic to the identity of who we are and what we value in life.
Most codes of ethics are based on best practices, or what a competent and reasonable person would do, as well as a need to respect the rights and boundaries of others.
If your best friend asks you to do something wrong, tell them no. If you boyfriend or girlfriend asks you to do something you think, or feel, is wrong, tell them no! If your boss’ son tells you to write a college paper for him, tell him no. It does not matter if it’s a friend, family member, special person you are in a relationship with, or a person in position of power. If it’s wrong, or anything you don’t want to do, tell them no.
Violating our values makes us feel bad about ourselves. We should "stand up" for ourselves, with firmness and resolution. If that is difficult, or we are threatened when we stand up for ourselves, we need to enlist the help of counseling professionals to set boundaries and find solutions, the assistance of law enforcement or the judicial system. At the end of the day, it is not the boundaries you declare, it is the boundaries you enforce! You must be willing to defend your boundaries and stand up to others who accidentally or intentionally violate them.
This will take some courage. Be firm and be consistent. Tell people that you refuse to talk to them if they become too loud or become verbally abusive. Tell your supervisor you will not work in a dangerous environment. Tell coworkers that they cannot borrow your stapler without your permission, sit on your desk, or ask you out on dates. If you set a limit, decide ahead of time, what you will do if others cross that line and be prepared as eventually someone will cross that line! Accept the fact you will be judged by others, no matter what your boundaries are. You may be called picky, prudish, stubborn, or rude, but that's ok because it doesn't make it true. People can tell me I'm purple and I know I'm not purple. People can tell me I'm old-fashioned because I won't lie or step over other people to try to become the top-dog in my profession. I can enforce my values, in my personal and professional life, to be the boundaries I am proud of and value, whether or not others chose the same boundaries.
Stand up for yourself. You may just find you really like the view.
Personal boundaries are all individual. They are also all protective of each individual person.
Boundaries can always be moved. In your life, you will find that circumstances, events, new insights, and personal values will cause you to change your boundaries. That’s ok! Boundaries do not have to be set-in-stone but can be flexible.
Therapists help people identify what their existing boundaries are, which are productive, and which actually are interfering in their lives. It's important that clients clearly identify their value systems, set boundaries in line with their values, and find support to maintain and enforce those boundaries. That may be difficult initially, but with support setting boundaries can become easier to set and manage and make for a much happier life.
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