Couples Communication

Communication is a vital skill to develop, whether it be between strangers, co-workers, neighbors, friends, parent and child, family, or anyone.

Even though some of the same communication skills apply to any form of communication, in this article, the focus is on communication between two people, a couple, in a relationship.

~When couples in a relationship communicate effectively, their relationship becomes stronger.

~When couples in a relationship communicate ineffectively, their relationship becomes stained and invites conflict.

Good communication is the bridge between confusion and clarity. (Nat Turner)

If you are part of a couple, answer these questions.

• Do you feel your relationship is more difficult than it should be?

• Do simple conversations turn into explosive arguments? Occasionally Always?

• Do you feel your spouse doesn’t understand you and you don’t understand your spouse?

• Do you avoid your spouse because you’re afraid a specific topic will be discussed?

• Do you feel as if you’re repeating the same mistakes you’ve made in the past?

• Do you regret things you’ve said in an argument?

• Do you believe talking won’t do any good because it never has?

• Do you feel something’s missing in your marriage?

• Do you feel isolated and alone, even when you are together?

• Do you desire to understand your partner in a deeper, fuller way?

• Do you want your relationship to be easier?

• Do you desire a more fulfilling relationship?
  

If you identify with the above questions, it may indicate a desire to improve your relationship. A fulfilling, intimate relationship may not be as easy as we think it should be or would like it to be. Relationships require nurturing and communication.

Any problem, big or small, within a family, always seems to start with bad communication. Someone isn't listening. (Emma Thompson)

The #1 comment from single people is that they feel lonely. Guess what the #1 comment from married couples is? They feel lonely. How can that be? How can people in a relationship still feel lonely? It's because they aren't communicating to each other that they care about the other, they aren't listening to their partner, or they aren't understanding their partner's needs. (Read the article: "The right kind of candy: when communication is sweet!" to find out more about discovering the communication skills you can develop to make your partner feel loved.)

Conversations between two people may become difficult, especially if there are feelings of hurt, anger, betrayal, insecurity, guilt, or fear.  Yet when couples develop strong communication skills, and learn how to understand and appreciate each other, those relationships can be the most joyful and happy relationships people can find.

Many of our behaviors & communication skills are patterned after parents, family, and societal models.

There are many different reasons why communication within a relationship may need help. From childhood, boys and girls are often influenced by culture and society to develop different ways of expression.

Adults model their own family's style of communication when dealing with problems. When each partner has his or her own style of working things out; it may result in unresolved issues.

Over time, patterns develop in how a couple relates to each other, which may be productive or destructive. Often, there is a lack of understanding about effectively applying communication to real life.

Communication may need to be rebuilt if it has been broken if trust has been affected through infidelity, misunderstanding, dishonesty, or violence, or when the hectic, everyday pressures of life prevent time together to deepen relationships.

A couple, once in love with each other, can become enemies if their communication skills aren't effective.

Unfortunately, many couples believe they will never be able to have the relationship they desire, so they delay seeing a therapist until they are ready to walk out the door.  It’s important to address problems and concerns as they occur, as this prevents additional communication or behavior problems from occurring that are disruptive or will tear down the once-loving relationship.

You can learn to talk to your spouse and find fulfillment in your relationship unless the relationship is dangerous, abusive, or manipulative by one or both partners. These issues may be intensified with alcohol or drug abuse or addiction.

Communication is much more than words! It's also body language and tone of voice!

Couples can have the relationships they want, but it takes effort and a willingness to make needed changes on the part of both partners. They also need to learn strong communication skills and understand that communication isn't just the words being spoken. It's also facial expressions and body language. Is your partner "rolling their eyes" and what does that communicate? Do they have a frown or a smile on their face? What does that communicate?

It's also the tone of voice...is your partner's voice (& your voice) calm, disinterested, bored, angry, or happy? The tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language set the stage before a single word is ever spoken. Take a few seconds to think before speaking, and consider what your face, body, and tone will communicate is extremely important.

Couples counselors often assign 'caring deeds' or other homework assignments to complete between sessions.

Even strong couples seek couples counseling to enhance their relationship and understanding of each other. Couples counseling focuses on building strengths in your marriage (& family), developing new ways to relate to one another, and addressing unresolved issues or patterns in your relationship. Therapists help couples learn effective ways to talk to one another and solve problems. Experienced "third parties", such as professional therapists, objectively facilitate conversations when couples are unable to do so alone or when they want to learn skills to do so more effectively. Couples counseling can also include developing positive parenting skills. 

"You can never not communicate. What you say, or don't say; what you do or don't do...communicates a message." (Clifton Fuller)

Couples counseling may be appropriate when a couple desires to improve their relationship when couples are contemplating marriage, when facing life changes, when there are sexual issues, narcissism, or other personality disorder order aspects present. Couples counseling can also be done with children included, as family counseling, at times, with other family members, or if it seems the relationship or time together isn’t as good as it could be.

Marriage therapists are the professionals who most often focus on couple communication and family counseling, as the field of marriage and family therapy evolved from researching and studying patterns of effective communication among couples and families (not psychology or social work as many people think).

There are three levels of communication and the most important thing is to stay on the "Issue" level...what the problem is. The second level moves into personal attacks, rather than addressing the real problem...and the third and most dangerous level attacks the partner and the relationship.

It's critical to remain on the ISSUE level when communication and refrain from moving to the "Relationship" Level

Slow down your communication in order to stop and see how you and your partner are communicating!

Another important part of communication among couples is to have an awareness of what your partner is communicating...and how you are interpreting that communication. This may be biased due to your interpretation so this diagram slows down the process and makes you think! Once this type of analysis of the patterns you and your partner use in communication, as well as the "triggers" that will disrupt, threaten, or undermine communication, then you will be able to move forward to build stronger communication skills. You'll learn to avoid the triggers (as they are never productive), and instead focus on the give and take that each person in a strong relationship shares with each other.

Own up to your own thoughts/beliefs, emotions, desires, and actions. Observe what you and your partner are saying and give feedback to make certain you are correctly interpreting your partner's attempts to communicate with you. Be kind to each other as you learn to communicate more effectively and be able to laugh at yourself when you miss the mark. Learn from your mistakes...your partner will thank you for doing that.

The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said. (Peter Drucker)

If you need help or simply want to strengthen your communication skills with your partner, children, family, friends, or at work, seeking services from a marriage and family therapist or a professional counselor may be the help you need.

Life or executive coaches are also an excellent resource to address business or co-worker communication, and conflict resolutions, to learn and build confidence communicating with others, or to address confidence or fears of public speaking.